LIVE From Desire: Sweetness! Metamors – Transforming Marriage through Connection, Polyamory and BDSM

 The Fat Sex Series! Live from Life on the Swingset Take over of Desire in Cancun! With Sweetness!

Metamours – Transforming Marriage through Connection, Polyamory and BDSM

We talk about:

– Going from monogamy to sharing deeply to divorce to partnership

– Deep diving into polyamory

– Deep diving into the BDSM scene in North Carolina

– Sweetness’s husband moving in with someone else

– Staying married through metamours and changing living situation

– Briana “there’s these huge shifts that happen in our relationships.

And, um, often they go on an acknowledged”

“there’s these huge shifts that happen in our relationships.

And, um, often they go on an acknowledged”

Sweetness: “we realize that we’re not, we’re not the same people that we were at different points of our marriage.” 

Show notes: Fat Sex Series!Sex-cation,BDSM, Kink, Power play and Relationship Anarchy! Guest interview Interview with Tonya from Jacksonville, Florida!

It says it’s part 2 but we don’t know where part 1 went so… yeah. Here’s the juicy stories about playing in the dungeon! (Yes BDSM and Kink! And Power play!)

Tonya is a fat women relationship anarchist who lives in Florida.

We talk about:

-What is relationship anarchy
– “I don’t want to limit or try to define any relationship.” Tonya
– Some of my relationships are defined. I have a husband. We’ve been together 13 years.
– “And if my friends, John and Joe, who have been together for 20 fucking years, if they can’t get married, I’m not going to get married because it’s bullshit. And then of course, as soon as gay marriage happened, everybody asks me, Tanya, when are you getting married? I’m like, fuck you. I’m not getting married. I’m just not getting married. And then we got married.”

– Dungeon night!

– Community and staying connected through out the year!
– An anal fisting scene
– A little bit of sex magic!
– How we deal with having different level of safer sex protection levels.
– Feeling honored in our safer sex conversations
– HSV and how Tonya talks about genital herpes.
– Safer sex testing and privilege
– STI and other risky behavior
– STIs can be treated
– Questions to ask yourself before going out into sexy situations, dungeons, BDSM!
– “I want fat people to feel good and feel like they are just as entitled to feeling good in their bodies and sexually as anyone else, including as entitled as sexist and people.”
A lot about how awesome Tristan Taoromino podcast – she’s amazing!
References to Cooper and Dylan from Life on the Swingset.
– A lot of details about squiriting and being in service to the goddess that is Tristan Taromino.
– Most women do not have orgasms from penetration alone!
– Talk to you partner about everything!!

– “So. Orgasm hasn’t been a focus for me for a really long time. I don’t really masturbate because I have carpal tunnel and my wrist and vibrators just weren’t doing it for me”

– Different kinds of orgasms!
– Kink and power play: We went to our area and got set up and she said, you’re going to sit here, and we discussed my body and what it can and can’t do,
– “and we talked about what her expectations were and that, you know, I was going to serve her and I call her ma’am and she was going to put me in a collar and was I okay with that?”
– Collar is one of the signifiers of power play. Very hot and very kinky!
– “And she was adamant, absolutely adamant that at any point, if I became physically uncomfortable or had any pain or any issues with anything. I was to let her know immediately and she said, because if you can’t serve me in the way that I need to be served, then that displeases me.”

– “I’m not real good with measurement, you know, I mean, men, my whole life had been telling me this is eight inches.”

– “That you can have all these connections and all these different ways and they, they don’t look like, you know, what, what mainstream people, you know, connections are kind of quote unquote supposed to look like.”

Exxxxtraordinary Podcast- Sweetness! Metamors – Transforming Marriage through Connection, Polyamory and BDSM

Briana Cavanaugh: [00:00:00] Welcome to Exxxxtraordinary. I’m your host, Briana Cavanagh. Welcome everyone. Today we’re going to do a guest interview and on guest interview days, we get to learn from and about folks doing fat positive or fat positive adjacent work, and in this case, hurting sex positive stuff.

[00:00:26] Um, as a reminder, we don’t bleep out cuss words or swear words. We don’t edit for explicit material, but we also don’t talk in detail about trauma and we don’t. Transmit anybody’s trauma. So this is your warning that this interview may contain adult material and listener discretion is advised. So here, we’re here today with sweetness.

[00:00:47] Sweetness: [00:00:47] You. Good morning, Brianne. Hi. Hi. Thank you for inviting me.

[00:00:51] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:00:51] Thank you for coming and hanging out with me.

[00:00:53] Sweetness: [00:00:53] My pleasure.

[00:00:54] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:00:54] So I’m going to ask you, uh, your vital statistics. So what’s your, what race are you.

[00:01:01] Sweetness: [00:01:01] Well, I’m, I’m Caucasian female. I’m 56 years old. Most recent birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you.

[00:01:12] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:01:12] Um, what, uh, what size are you?

[00:01:16] Sweetness: [00:01:16] I am a size 18/20 currently.

[00:01:20] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:01:20] Thank you. Do you have any, um, other marginalized identities? Are you disabled? Are you. Like that.

[00:01:29] Sweetness: [00:01:29] I don’t know how marginalized it is right now. Um, I’m, I’m paying, I’m pansexual.

[00:01:37] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:01:37] Thank you. Yes.

[00:01:38] Sweetness: [00:01:38] And, and consider myself queer and I, I enjoy playing and the gender nonconformity with my.

[00:01:47] Has been the 35 years.

[00:01:51] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:01:51] Um, who’s such a sweetheart. Thank

[00:01:53] Sweetness: [00:01:53] you. I think so too. Um,

[00:01:56] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:01:56] you got to hang out with them yesterday of it and it was very, very sweet.

[00:01:59] Sweetness: [00:01:59] We have an open relationship and we originally, we’ve, we identify as polyamorous

[00:02:08] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:02:08] and you have an interesting living situation.

[00:02:10] Sweetness: [00:02:10] We do have an interesting living situation,

[00:02:14] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:02:14] I think.

[00:02:14] I don’t know if you’ve interviewed anyone in a situation quite like that. So can you tell us about,

[00:02:20] Sweetness: [00:02:20] yeah. Uh, around the 30 year Mark of our marriage, um, my, my husband Woody and I, um, we learned some things about our sexuality. We revealed some things about our sexuality to each other. That, um, I think we, we had associated with a certain amount of shame.

[00:02:42] And, uh, what was happening in the mainstream, uh, movements in sexuality gave us the freedom to reveal some things to each other. And at the same time, we have had some catalystic events in our personal relationship, but we, we both expressed, um, a desire to have open consensual. Ethical non-monogamy, and we all, we both express desire to explore our queerness.

[00:03:15] And it was a challenge to kind of come to terms with, um. Our own inner struggles with resisting what we were, what we grew up in, mainstream culture. But we found a lovely community in Raleigh, Durham, North Carolina, and we joined a organization called triangle polyamory and started going to coffee meetups and meeting.

[00:03:47] Very interesting, adventurous. Um. Smart, funny, lovely people that we became friends. Beth. And then we, after a period of time and reading books such as opening up, and Kristin, Damien has book

[00:04:08] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:04:08] every one of these podcasts that I’ve recorded here, somebody taught us, talking about just interested in getting a lot of publicity in this podcast.

[00:04:15] So this is the same Tristin Taoromino who does a podcast called “Sex Out Loud,” out loud, and here’s here this week, and who’s awesome and funny and hilarious.

[00:04:25] Sweetness: [00:04:25] Yes,

[00:04:26] ethical slide. Yup. Yeah. Yeah. And um,

[00:04:31] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:04:31] classic,

[00:04:31] Sweetness: [00:04:31] “right? The, the, the Bible as it is. Well,

[00:04:38] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:04:38] certainly it’s like the earliest or one of the earliest kind of outlooks about polyamory, about being an unethical stuff.

[00:04:44] Yeah, that’s for sure. And  “more than two” and meeting, meeting the authors of that book when they were on book tour coming through rally Durham about five years ago, and. Sex at Dawn, and it is, it is. And as a, as a scientist, that book appealed to me very, very much. Um, because of the most in recent years, I’ve become more interested in anthropology.

[00:05:16] And, um, I think that this is a beautiful anthropologic space that we’re in here at desire and this wonderful cultures coming together.

[00:05:27] It’s true. We have a beautiful subculture.

[00:05:29] Sweetness: [00:05:29] It’s fantastic. Yeah. And I feel very at home here. Yeah. That’s lovely.

[00:05:35] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:05:35] Yeah. So you guys went into open relationship and then do you want to talk about, cause.

[00:05:39] You, we even talked about your living situation.

[00:05:42] Sweetness: [00:05:42] No, no, no, no. Happy to talk about that. So very early on, we were planning on casually dating and primarily opening up our relationship for, you know, sexual exploration, but also having the realism of understanding that that doesn’t come without about, without.

[00:06:02] A risk of developing emotions or the opportunity of developing emotional attachment. So we were, we, we agreed that, that we were very open to that, to having loving experiences and all that entails in relationships. Woody and I both began dating very pretty seriously with abundant NRE, our partners, and in the first year of our polyamory experience.

[00:06:31] We also, these are partners. We’re also very established and we’re local influencers in the BDSM community, and we were newbies and green, so we were doing a lot of new things at . Once and we, we’re, you’ve heard it said that deep jumping into the deep end. We did. We jumped into the deep end. Um, yeah. But then the other, some of the, we had great, um, play BDSM experiences, sexual experiences.

[00:07:00] We, you know, we were deeply in love with our partners who had other partners and some exceptional life experiences happened that year. That included. My partner’s other partner becoming pregnant, so my metamor became pregnant with her other partner. And that was a surprise and there was a period of time that there was some challenges deciding what to do and how the relationships were going to work out.

[00:07:32] And I happened to be there at the birth of my metamor’s child and my partner. Even though it wasn’t, his biological child was very dedicated to his partner and they, and, and had never had a parenting experience and was in 50’s and became a father for the first time. It was really beautiful. Um, my husband, Woody, his metamor passed away suddenly, um, sudden heart attack.

[00:08:01] It was a devastating, huge months of grief, Woody. I encouraged him to comfort his partner, and he did, and the NRE and the experience of loss, they bonded so very, very deeply, and that started to lead to some changes of our living situation. Shortly thereafter, Woody express desire to live with his partner.

[00:08:31] And initially there was an discussion about me moving from Durham, our place in Durham to Raliegh and moving into on the property. I decided I needed my space, but what he did, he moved. He moved there. So we’re not, so we’re married, we’re here. We separated for briefly because it was really very traumatic and inheritor, rapper heads around.

[00:08:56] So, all right. Some people in the, in our friends and families who were open with and even in the kink community thought. Your relationship’s over. Just it’s time to move on. You know, you’re experiencing pain, let it go, move on. But that’s not how I felt. And that’s not how he felt. We needed to work through this.

[00:09:15] And I’m so glad we did. We celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary this spring with our children and grandchildren, and we’re celebrating our 35th just him and I here at Desire, him and I, and all these wonderful, sexy,  people. And

[00:09:33] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:09:33] the great place to celebrate.

[00:09:35] Sweetness: [00:09:35] Yeah. So does that kind of answer your

[00:09:37] question?

[00:09:38] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:09:38] Yeah. I hadn’t heard the details of how it happened, but I was wondering because it sounded, it sounded like there was a kind of an intense story in there and yeah, I was just very curious

[00:09:48] about,

[00:09:48] Sweetness: [00:09:48] I’ve decided that, well, I had never lived alone before. I met him when I was 18 and so I went from almost, I had some apartment experiences before I met him, but I went.

[00:09:59] I have, I live alone right now. And Oh my gosh, that has been, that has been so wonderful for me to have just the space and, you know, I, I’m, I’m, it’s been true. It’s been truly empowering for me.

[00:10:16] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:10:16] Nice. Congratulations. Thank you. Yeah. Uh, I, I don’t know if you know this, but I, I recently stopped living with my son, and so I’m having an empowering experience.

[00:10:27] I moved from living with my son in the living room. That Jacques

[00:10:30] human over here we’ve been having this week we have an audience, a dedicated audience, and one listening to this and that. The last night he was like, he’s subs is so good. So far.

[00:10:42] Sweetness: [00:10:42] So charming.

[00:10:43] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:10:43] Yes. In a sweet smile. Yeah. Loving presence.

[00:10:48] Yeah. So, um, I mean, it’s not the same, but I was just like, Oh yeah, there’s these huge shifts that happen in our relationships.

[00:10:56] And, um, often they go on an acknowledged, you know, and kind of in cultural context, like, there isn’t a celebration for your for your child becoming an adult, right? They graduate high school and they get a thing, you know? But there’s no, there’s a lot of these things that change, I think, change in ways that are outside our cultural norms.

[00:11:15] And then we don’t talk about them, celebrate them, acknowledge them, and they’re huge to us. Right? Having lived with someone for 30 years and never really lived on your own, and then to get

[00:11:26] to have that experience is a, it’s a big shift. It is. And I watched you together. You’re very sweet together, you know, it doesn’t feel like you’re carrying, you know, all the things from all the things that have happened for it.

[00:11:38] And I think it takes a lot of. Internal work and integrity to like be able to do that and come together and continue to have conversation then.

[00:11:48] Yeah.

[00:11:48] Sweetness: [00:11:48] Yes. Very much so. And we have love and in deep respect for each other. And at the same time we realize that we’re not, we’re not the same people that we were at different points of our marriage.

[00:12:03] Like when you’re 18

[00:12:04] very, very different. And so we’re actively dating. And that’s been a lot of fun. So we don’t, we’re not, we don’t really have financial intent entanglements. We’ve kind of resolved and separated that to some extent. And then, you know, we’re not, we don’t have the domestic who’s gonna like wash the dishes or things.

[00:12:25] And honestly, it gives us the cream of the relationship to just be wonderfully. Satisfying sexual partners and then deep history that we have and, and just like becoming. Renew. Just a lot of renewal.

[00:12:45] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:12:45] Sounds amazing. I mean, I think that’s why we want to live with our partners because we’ve, we date them and they’re so amazing and they’re so good to us and delicious and sexy and all this stuff, and we’re like, yeah, let’s live together and get married and have kids.

[00:12:57] And it’s like, then you move in together and the everydayness of it can definitely wear on, on the, what do you call that? Like the NRE and the, you know, romance and the mystique or whatever. And it’s not that it’s not worth doing for sure. I love living with my beloved, but you know, it’s a different kind of, you know, it shifts.

[00:13:18] It’s just a shift in the relationship. Um, so let me ask you about fat identity. Um, I have, we haven’t asked you about that. So do you identify as fat?

[00:13:30] Sweetness: [00:13:30] I do.

[00:13:30] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:13:30] And how did you come to your. Like fat identity.

[00:13:36] Sweetness: [00:13:36] I, I believe I’ve had a fat identity for most of my life. I think my first awareness of my fat identity was when I was, you know, going through puberty and at the time I heard so many.

[00:13:58] Negative messages about body size and shape, and I had a lot of shames surrounding my, my perception of my, my body image. Um, and over the course of my life I’ve had a lot of weight fluctuation. And for a long time, unfortunately it didn’t really matter what size I was at. I had a low thing and I needed to do some deep work to come to terms, not just with that part of my identity, but certainly other aspects of self esteem issues.

[00:14:44] Um, overemphasis on, on negative aspects that I might perceive perceived negative aspects. And only if my body of my personality, of how I move,

[00:15:02] just just layers and layers of unfortunate disrespected myself, I think. And that was really hard for people who loved me because. I was not loving myself. I’ve been fortunate to have had some growth and empowering experiences, especially in the last six years after opening our relationship. Where I’ve come to accept my, my glorious body with all of its beautiful curviness and lovely folds.

[00:15:39] And part of that was returning to nature as them because when I was, when I was an adolescent, I loved my favorite things to go skinny dipping in the city of Madison, Wisconsin with all the lakes, and I’d be running off to the Lake to rip off my clothes, to go swimming whenever I had a chance. And that just felt like so natural and for a long time I felt like I couldn’t do that because I heard messages in from, it’s like, Oh, nobody wants to see that you’re really disrespecting other people by exposing them to that.

[00:16:12] You know, unattractive .

[00:16:14] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:16:14] Yeah,

[00:16:14] Sweetness: [00:16:14] exactly. And that really hit deep with me and negative body images, uh, messages that I received from, from women and older women in my family that I’d grown up with it. And to impart that to me almost as a cautionary tale. Like we, Oh, we want to protect you from right. The shame.

[00:16:38] Right. But at the same time, it was shaming.

[00:16:40] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:16:40] Right. We want to protect you from shame by putting you in this box and shaming you. Yeah. Yeah. There’s a lot of, in families, women do a lot of the forcement, like the enforcement of patriarchy, like the enforcement of these rules on the ideas of culture are enforced by, by women.

[00:17:00] Yeah. So I really want to happen to you.

[00:17:02] Sweetness: [00:17:02] Thank you. Thank you, Brianne. Really appreciate you saying that it happens to way too many of us. So it’s very ironic in that when I started. Well, I almost became, I had serious depression and anxiety. And for about a period of 10 years, I did not put on makeup. I did not do my hair.

[00:17:24] I did not wear jewelry. I did not call attention to myself. I wore very, um, drab clothing. And I tried to, I tried to disappear and I came, became very focused on two roles in my life and that was being, um, my career, um, and hiding out kind of behind the scenes in my career. So it’s not the PC. No. I wanted to be very out of view of others and that limited my opportunities for growth and professional development.

[00:17:58] And the other role was. Serving my family as much as I love, I love them. There’s a lot of needs that I, I met for them while not meeting needs for myself.

[00:18:11] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:18:11] And women especially, are encouraged to do that. So that’s a very, it’s very normal, right. For, for women, for people to say, you should, you know, the assumption is that you should be serving your family and your children and doing all of these things.

[00:18:23] And, um, and we have a cultural story about sacrifice, about self sacrifice, right? If that’s what. That’s what mothers should be doing.

[00:18:30] Sweetness: [00:18:30] That’s right. Yeah. That’s

[00:18:32] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:18:32] horseshit. And my personal

[00:18:35] Sweetness: [00:18:35] opinion, I have, we have to, um. We have two daughters that are now 33 and 35 and they have children of their own. And

[00:18:47] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:18:47] mama,

[00:18:48] Sweetness: [00:18:48] I’m a grandma.

[00:18:49] I have a 13 year old grandson who’s mixed race, and I have a 22 month old granddaughter who’s white. And so there’s. All types of communities that and, and, um, messages of, of self-acceptance that I want to make sure that I’m imparting upon them. And I do that now by not hiding out, but by living and hopefully leading by example.

[00:19:18] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:19:18] Yeah. That’s fantastic. So we sort of asked you how you became sex positive. Oh, do you want to share any sexy experiences? You’ve been having care? So, so one of the things I like to do in these interviews is we’re at the sexy place, right? And there’s been a number of, of fat folks that women that I’ve interviewed.

[00:19:37] So part of changing the story is actually fat women being able to say. I love sex and I have this kind of sex and it’s really great. Are there any stories that you’d like to share with

[00:19:46] Sweetness: [00:19:46] us? Oh yeah. Well, first of all, in auntie, this is my first experience at a event, a large scale event, like a resort takeover that had attendees coming from the swinger background.

[00:20:07] And I had. I was a bit anxious about that and 

[00:20:13] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:20:13] about that.

[00:20:14] Sweetness: [00:20:14] My partner was anxious about it too. Cause I think that I had some stereotypes in my head and I realized that we carry these around and I, I acknowledge it. Not because I believe in it, not because I believe these stereotypes, but because I, this messaging, sometimes I need to, I need to tell myself I acknowledge that that’s

[00:20:36] What I, that’s the lie I’ve been told and it’s okay to let it go.

[00:20:42] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:20:42] So what’s the stereotypes?

[00:20:44] Sweetness: [00:20:44] So helpful to name the mice. Okay. My, my perception was that in certain communities, there’s a Ken and Barbie appearances that it’s the Ken and Barbies that are going to be selected for sexual exploration and opportunities that.

[00:21:05] I was concerned that I might be my, my person, my identity, my personhood might be less important to other people. Then what my body image was.

[00:21:20] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:21:20] I hear those as all about fat phobia. Yeah. Yeah. The swinger community is sort of built around straight cis het people who look a certain way, wanting to. Gilead,

[00:21:33] Sweetness: [00:21:33] right?

[00:21:34] Yeah. Yeah.

[00:21:35] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:21:35] And I can certainly assertive tech that, yeah.

[00:21:38] Sweetness: [00:21:38] And my partner would, he had had had similar concerns about how he would might be accepted because he, he thoroughly enjoys gender nonconformity in his dress

[00:21:53] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:21:53] and in those shoes the other night, like,

[00:21:55] Sweetness: [00:21:55] Oh my God. And

[00:21:55] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:21:55] it was wearing those giant, what are they called?

[00:21:59] Chocolate, like over the knee. Thigh hi.

[00:22:02] Sweetness: [00:22:02] Boots with all the buckles that are in the heels that were, I think I didn’t choose who and he moves around so well in them.

[00:22:12] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:22:12] Yeah. I just want to be like, just walk. Will you just walk back and forth

[00:22:14] Sweetness: [00:22:14] and he would love to do that. In fact, he brought so many different changes of clothing to have just opportunities to be seen.

[00:22:25] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:22:25] And to dress up.

[00:22:26] He was wearing a cute little skirt and little red light. Strappy, what is it called? Like a tank top. It was so cute. Anyway, yeah, it was adorable. I was like, Oh, that’s so great. So there are all these stereotypes, and this is actually a takeover by “Life on the Swingset,” and, and I don’t actually know what everybody’s identity, but it’s based around swingers and having that, you know, those conversations, and this is a taker for, for swingers and poly people and Kiki people and queer people, right?

[00:22:57] Yeah. And trans folks,

[00:23:00] Sweetness: [00:23:00] and it’s the happiest place on earth. It’s the happiest.

[00:23:04] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:23:04] Yeah.

[00:23:06] Sweetness: [00:23:06] For adults.

[00:23:06] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:23:06] For adults. Yeah. And I do think that, you know, the stories that I hear about this place when we’re not here as a takeover, are, it is much more like that. That’s, I mean, I’ve heard that from other fat folks who have come here.

[00:23:17] At other times, like, you know, that’s, uh, that’s, it might not be 100% true, but I think there’s, you know, there’s something, to sections of the Springer community being just like that. Um, and if folks want to do that, that’s, you know, that’s on them. And if it makes them happy, you know what I mean? Like everybody’s allowed to have their, their thing, but it’s not a good place for us.

[00:23:36] Right. That’s just not super happy place.

[00:23:40] Sweetness: [00:23:40] And that’s what I realized now is. Not just from coming here, but, but having other experiences over the last six years in the poly community, in the kink community, and in my exploration of naturism as well, and that I’ve seen so many lovely body shapes,

[00:24:04] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:24:04] sex noises in the background.

[00:24:05] I don’t know if you could hear that on the recording, but I think our upstairs neighbors are having a really good time.

[00:24:11] Sweetness: [00:24:11] That’s so beautiful.

[00:24:13] And I don’t have their permission to say their names, but I know exactly who it is.

[00:24:17] Yay.

[00:24:18] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:24:18] Yay. The other

[00:24:21] Sweetness: [00:24:21] orgasms!

[00:24:23] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:24:23] The other afternoon, they came up just and they’re like, are you downstairs from us?

[00:24:27] We hear you every morning. So good. We’re trying to figure out who it was. So they’re returning the favor and those very delightful. It is. I, I think it’s very sexy.

[00:24:36] Sweetness: [00:24:36] So ironically, one of the things I meant to say before was that. When I started going to play events, I had a more difficult time putting on sexy clothing and sexy lingerie.

[00:24:51] Yeah. And then I did going naked, just being nude. Oh. And I don’t, I, I think that there was something about that lingerie is not going to fit me, and I found. The clothing designers that make beautiful clothing for LAR, larger bodies and feeling like, I don’t know how other people feel, but for years and years not wanting to do, like averting my eyes and not wanting to look in the mirror and put on clothing and seeing how it’s not fitting me.

[00:25:31] And that’s whole cycle of just,

[00:25:34] it gave me really hard that you put on something and it doesn’t. Fit and it’s something that you really wanted and it doesn’t quite work for your body. And. And then, especially if you’re at the top end of whatever the range is, right? Yeah. So if you’re a size like 1416 and you’re at the top of the street sizes, or you’re a size 22 which is where some of the plus size stuff, ends size 32 which is where almost all clothing stops, where you can’t get clothes anymore.

[00:25:57] All of those different places are places where it’s like, Oh, this is so, it can be so painful to be like, I want to wear this. And it just, you know, I can’t get it. Or like, your feet are too, you, you know, bigger than this, that whatever the deal is. Yeah. Right,

[00:26:10] right. Yeah, absolutely. And I can’t, honestly, I had the hardest time going shopping for anything, and footwear was one of it.

[00:26:17] It’s like I remember telling a new partner that I don’t really have feet, I have paws, and I’m not expecting any shoes to fit me, you know? So these were ms misperceptions that I had of myself because I had avoided my physicality for so long. To the point that I became dissociated from my physical body.

[00:26:42] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:26:42] That’s what happens with shame, shame, trauma, abuse will just, I know you wanted to talk about online dating.

[00:26:48] Sweetness: [00:26:48] Well, when I first created my dating profile, the selection of what’s your body type was very challenging for me because I felt like being honest about my body type. Would mean that no one would give me a chance to meet me and understand me.

[00:27:12] I whole personality and me as a person, it just seemed like it was, again, falling into a stereotype. I felt a bit of dishonesty by saying I was curvy when. You know, curviness in my head might’ve been like a smaller body, but voluptuous. I think that accepting the terms of a large bodied person was actually freeing to me in a way.

[00:27:47] I also had the experience that I was contacted by potential dates that fetishize fatness. Fat persons and I didn’t want my dating experience to be about serving someone’s fetish needs. I’m not a fetish delivery system, so I had, I had some difficulty, I guess, sorting out people’s intentions, and then at the same time, I did not want to stereotype them as fetishizing me too.

[00:28:23] I’ve had some experiences. Where someone has contacted me on a dating site and actually been very mean and saying that they thought I’d be desperate for any attention or sexual play because I was obese. In their terms and, um, that was just terrible.

[00:28:45] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:28:45] Yeah. I heard you say, um, Oh my God. Online dating. Um, yeah.

[00:28:52] That, that people think that fat people are desperate. If we’re looking for, we’re on a dating site, that’s terrible

[00:29:01] Sweetness: [00:29:01] and that will compensate. Yeah. We will compensate sexually because of our own personal perceived deficiencies and yeah. Has been a huge mind. Fuck.

[00:29:13] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:29:13] Yeah. I like to have a lot of sex and you know, I stopped doing online dating a long time ago because it was this so.

[00:29:20] Mind. Fuck. It was like the men who they’d never had sex with a fat girl before and they were like, Oh, I’m willing to try it. And which is not, I don’t wanna have sex with people who are willing to try it. And then the fat fascist who are like. Yeah, I told him totally in your body, but can see, you know any of the rest of me.

[00:29:39] Right. And then people who are like, they just have this idea that you’re like desperate and that you’ll have to tell him, I’m going to tell this story. The other, we were at lunch with someone yesterday who thought that they were complimenting my dress and she said, you know, I wish I were large enough that I had to overcompensate with such beautiful clothes.

[00:29:58] And I was like. And, and she, she’s like, I mean that in the best possible way. And I was like, and I didn’t stop her because calling you a lot as hard, right. And being like overcompensate like. I love this dress. Like I love this dress. I think that’s, uh, outside when he’s coming to the, our window that looks out onto the ocean and it’s like waving and you know, and Oh, it is cute.

[00:30:22] He has shoes that match my shoes. A little like tie dye, track. Cox’s are cute, but yeah. So do you still do on online dating now?

[00:30:30] Sweetness: [00:30:30] I don’t. Yeah. No, I don’t. I meet so many beautiful people in person who see me as a, as a whole person,

[00:30:39] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:30:39] and who are willing. I feel like people who are willing to show up in community are many of the kind of troll behaviors of the, Oh, you must be desperate, or whatever.

[00:30:48] They’re, you know, hiding behind their internet screen. I don’t want to date those people anyway. Right. And so. Yeah, I’m sorry all that happened to you.

[00:30:58] Sweetness: [00:30:58] Yeah. Sorry. You to anyone out there who’s listening, there are a lovely communities and if you don’t have one near you. Can I take Brianne from work? Listen to this.

[00:31:13] Listen to these

[00:31:14] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:31:14] lights on the swing set. Yeah.

[00:31:17] Sweetness: [00:31:17] Reach out and find communities that are in your geographical area and it will change your life.

[00:31:25] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:31:25] Connect with people who will be kind to you, and don’t settle for anything less than someone who’s going to be absolutely. Good to you because there are plenty of those people in the world, and any messaging that you’ve got this as there’s something that’s wrong with you or something wrong with your body, or that you’re unlovable is bullshit, right?

[00:31:41] Yeah. Sometimes we need to do some, some work to, you know, align ourselves with, with this, and I. Fully. I think that’s a great idea, but don’t just don’t settle for people who treat you bad on any level. It’s not worth it. So we’re going to wrap up cause I think you’re off to doing some amazing scuba stuff.

[00:31:58] Thank you for coming and hanging out and sharing your experiences. Um, I really appreciate your, your story.

[00:32:04] Sweetness: [00:32:04] Thank you very

[00:32:05] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:32:05] much. I’ll see you around the resort. All right. Bye bye.

[00:32:09] Sweetness: [00:32:09] Bye.

[00:32:14] Briana Cavanaugh: [00:32:14] This has been Exxxxtraordinary, a podcast about that. Love that sex and fat relationships. I’m your host, Briana Cavanaugh. Thank you so much for listening. Please make sure to subscribe, like review and subscribe to my podcast, especially hit that subscribe button wherever you are, wherever you listen to podcasts.

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